Blog 8: Big Leaps Pay Off

As long as you keep trying, you will eventually achieve your goals. While this mindset is extremely important in building stamina and self-confidence, it began to plague my work ethic. It often convinced me that I should never start over, and that all of my work should be adjusted, not changed in order to improve. It made me feel as if abandoning and eliminating was a way of taking the easy way out. My poem in English class helped me understand how false my thinking once was.

When starting my poem, I resisted making substantial changes to its original style and structure. I was afraid of destroying my "precious creation," and I clung to it for my life. Little did I know that I was actually ruining my poem in trying to protect it. I refused to acknowledge the negative, and simply praised what I thought was brilliant.

We finally got the third draft of our poems back. I was confused and angry about the comments made on my poem. I continued to deny the problems in the writing, and I simply thought that I was the only one who understood its complexity. Finally, in a desperate attempt to better my poem, I accepted that the complexity was itself a problem. I never imagined the improvement that took place after that realization.

I stared at my incipient piece of poetry and wondered how I could improve. With only one day left until the deadline for the fourth draft of the poem, I made a radical decision; I completely abandoned my old poem's language. While I kept the general idea, I started over with a blank page and a new approach.

The result was a poem that had sharp language and a clear narrative, but I recognized more than that. There was so much to improve as well. I was finally able to recognize the faults in my writing, which allowed me to further revise and create a well-written final product.

This semester I learned the importance of starting anew and having the mental strength to reject my own writing for the hope of creating something even better in time. I no longer have a fear of taking risks when I write. I know that eventually, those risks will pay off.

Although I learned much this semester, grades still dominate my life. Even if I feel mentally accomplished in an assignment, if I earn an undesirable grade, I will instantly doubt myself and my abilities. For example, I did not earn an "A" on my Orlando essay earlier this semester. I then forced myself to believe that my essay was terrible and that I was not a smart English student. (Crazy, right?) Grades still seem to dictate my every action.

I feel like a puppet to grades, and although I certainly value knowledge above a stupid letter, I often judge myself based on the grades I receive. My goal for second semester is to learn to accept and move past the arbitrary evaluations that I receive. What really matters is the learning process. 

I still believe that as long as I work hard enough, I will be able to achieve my goals (within reason). However, I now know that working hard often means starting over and even eliminating thoughts that were once brilliant. I hope that I can use this new mindset to achieve grade goals next semester. I learned so much in these past five months and I am ready and eager for more in 2012!